I did not intend to watch the video of Alton Sterling being murdered, but I did it anyway. And then when a second video, taken from a different angle, appeared on Facebook I watched that too. The moment that stays with me is seeing Sterling's arm quivering as he took his last breath. There was something so heartbreakingly vulnerable in that small gesture.
When I woke up this morning there was another video online. This one showing the murder of Philando Castille, shot in front of his girlfriend and her young daughter. In the interest of self-preservation I made the decision not watch it.
There is such a gap in understanding on issues relating to race, that often when black people experience racism we question our own perception of events. We ask ourselves: Did that really happen? Am I being oversensitive? Consequently, when a tragedy occurs and there is video we hold out a secret hope that finally they will understand. That they will acknowledge maybe we were not being "confrontational" or "oversensitive" all of this time. Unfortunately, in my experience, when people have strongly held beliefs about race they will interpret events in a way that suits those previously held beliefs. As a result, we are further traumatized by having to endure those who attempt to justify the unjustifiable.
Maintaining a sense of self-worth as a black person in America is an active struggle. I am not a psychologist, but I have enough experience being an observer of human beings to know that repeatedly watching evidence of how little black people are valued in this country can have long-term psychological impact, including anxiety and depression. How many of us woke up this morning not merely feeling sad, but feeling sick? There is a fine line between being informed and self-flagellation. Why watch a video of the murder of another black person when it is not teaching us anything that we do not already know? We do not need to watch someone die to know that they are dead, and that this death is an indictment of American society.
As black people, we are constantly aware of the negative perceptions of us, and this consciously or unconsciously impacts the way that we interact with the world. This morning, as I scrolled through my newsfeed I watched people furiously posting, re-posting, and commenting on the murder of yet another black person. I saw warnings on videos enticing people to watch them like R ratings on movies or Parental Advisory stickers on old CDs. I witnessed my former students, many who are on the cusp of adulthood, heading to work and school consumed with feelings of anger and helplessness. My message to them is this: we have to live, and in order to do so, we have to protect our minds and our spirits.
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