#toomanyhormonesinthechicken

The other day I had to take Chloe to school because her grandmother was feeling poorly.  When we got to Amsterdam she said that she wanted to walk the rest of the way by herself.  This required her to walk one block, cross the street with the crossing guard, walk another block, turn a corner and then enter the school building.  Alone.  She claimed that she came up with this idea to ensure that I wouldn’t be late for work, but it was clear that she was testing the boundaries since Grandma was out of commission. 

Reluctantly, I agreed and watched her walk away from me weighed down by her book-bag.  She looked like a turtle with a fluorescent pink shell.   As I watched her, my heart dropped; she seemed so unsure of herself-small and vulnerable. I wanted to catch up to her, put my hands on her shoulders and force her to stand up straight so that she wouldn’t look like a victim.  I soon realized that my intervention wouldn’t be necessary.  The farther she moved away from me the taller she walked.

Chloe is only seven, but I feel her beginning to experience the impulse to simultaneously push me away and pull me close that I associate with older girls and their mothers.  This Friday I picked her up from school intending to take her to a late lunch.  When she saw me she jumped into my arms with excitement, but on the way to the train station she told me that I was “embarrassing her” and that she wishes that I wouldn't talk to her when she “is with her school friends.”  Later when we were walking home from the restaurant the only thing that she had to say that she was “tired of walking around all day in [her] heels.”  Huh? Since when do Payless church shoes count as 'heels'?  Who complains after having grilled cheese, tomato soup, and a strawberry sundae on a rainy Friday afternoon?  What happened to my kind, generous, and empathetic little girl?

In the middle of the night she comes to me, scared of the rain or the squeak of a mouse in the floorboards.  She pulls my covers over her and throws a leg around me in exchange.  And for the moment she is my baby again.