Thursday, September 24, 2015

Refugees From a Place that No Longer Exists


Sunday, September 20, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner is No Hero

Something about Caitlyn Jenner has always rubbed me the wrong way.  I kept my opinions to myself because I did not want anyone to be able to use my thoughts to justify their own transphobia or transantagonism.  However, the media's dogged attempts to cast Caitlyn as a hero and a symbol of American progressive attitudes about gender has really gotten on my last nerve.  As I gingerly broached the subjects with friends (and one of my students) I began to realize that I was not the only one giving Caitlyn Marie Jenner the side-eye.

My misgivings about Caitlyn began when she was still Bruce, starring in a series of episodes at the end of end of Keeping Up With the Kardashians called "About Bruce."   In these shows Bruce talked about his desire to live authentically, although he was purposely vague about what that meant.   What was  more disturbing were the interviews with his children.  Although they tried to put a positive spin on the changes affecting their family, much of what they discussed seemed deeply traumatic:  Accidentally seeing one's step-father dressed as a woman and having to keep that secret for years, finding make-up and assuming that it meant that your father was having an affair, and suspecting that your father figure has swiped clothing and make-up from you are all things that would send anyone to therapy.

It is one thing to live a lie, but it is another thing entirely to force your children to, not only to live a lie as well, but to collude in spreading this lie to the world in the form of a "reality show."  When we consider the family history of the Kardashians is it any surprise that all of the Kardashian sisters (minus Kourtney) seek out relationships with black men, who are considered the paragon of masculine sexuality.  
Posted on Instagram by Khloe
When I Am Cait premiered this summer I, like most people, tuned in to see what Cait was going to look like.  How would she define her personal style?  Would she wear a wig?   Does facial feminization surgery really work?   However, watching the show I was reminded of Toni Morrison's statement in The Bluest Eye that physical beauty is "one of the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought" because it "begins with envy, thrives in insecurity, and ends in disillusion."  Caitlyn seemed to delight in the fact that she could now participate in the beauty rituals that she had jealously watched her wife and daughters engage in.  She seemed giddy that she owned the same dress as her ex-wife even suggesting they they have a "who wore it best" competition (shady).  
I want to wear this DVF dress on my birthday!
Despite all of the money she had invested in plastic surgery, clothing, hair, and make-up Jenner still seemed unsatisfied with her appearance as a woman as demonstrated by her preoccupation with a voice that she deemed as too masculine.  It reminded me of the end of The Bluest Eye when Pecola finally got her dreamt for blue eyes, but immediately became overwrought with the idea that they were not blue enough.
Everything connects back to The Bluest Eye :)
Notably, the producers of I Am Cait tried to use the show as a platform to discuss the struggles of non-celebrity members of the transgender community.  Unfortunately, Caitlyn didn't seem quite down for the cause.  In fact, she demonstrated more angst over the tone of her voice than over the rate of suicide and sex work in the transgender community.  In a support group meeting, when someone mentioned relying on state assistance to survive, Caitlyn repeated the racist/classist Republican mantra of welfare making people not want to work.   Jenner asked, "don’t, a lot of times, they can make more not working with social programs than they actually can with an entry-level job?”  He went on to say,  “you don’t want people to get totally dependent on it.  That’s when they get in trouble. ‘Why should I work? I got a few bucks, I got my room paid for.’”  Jenner seemed not to recognize that all members of the transgender community do not make a living off their participation in a show about professional pretty people, nor do they  get paid to pose on the cover of Vanity Fair in their underwear.*  

Caitlyn Jenner's lack of sensitivity was again on display when asked by Ellen Degeneres about his stance on gay marriage.  Speaking of his prior beliefs he said,  “I’m a traditionalist;  I’m older than most people in the audience. I kind of like tradition, and it’s always been a man and a woman. I’m thinking, ‘I don’t quite get it.’”  Say what??????  

Although, Jenner stated that he now accepts that everyone has the right the be happy and that gay marriage is now the "law of the land" even Ellen wasn't quite buying it.  Of course, one's gender shouldn't necessarily determine one's political beliefs, but one's membership in a persecuted minority group should at least make them more sensitive to the struggles of others.  





*“I would like to see a nice transgender person who wore jeans and a sweatshirt,” Toni Morrison on Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover



Monday, September 14, 2015

Dispatches From the Frontline of Online Dating

The other day I walked into 7th grade orientation and observed a 12 year old swiping away on Tinder.   Aside from the fact that Tinder is obviously not on the list of approved educational apps, this was concerning because a boy who grows up believing that women are disposable beings to be judged solely on their looks will turn into a man with the same limited vision.  

For adults, online dating can be great; I know several couples who met on dating websites and it beats being almost 40 in the club (do people still go to clubs?)   Unfortunately, there is also a lot of foolishness occurs on the internet.  Below are a few of my observations:

There are a lot of hurt men out there:  Those who believe that men are “the stronger sex” apparently have never met anyone online.  One dude that I went of two dates with would send me short stories through text about how he had been cheated on and “didn’t feel like a man.”  Huh? If you don't feel like a man what are you doing on a date?   And more than that, what woman hasn't been cheated on?  As women we can be wounded in the most intimate ways, but we bounce back and still love like we’ve never been hurt. In short, all 'bag ladies' aren't women.


Beware of Match.com Missionaries:  The last two men that I have met online have been born-again Christians hiding major issues behind The Bible.  One, let’s call him Michael, preached to me about Abraham and Isaac over curried chicken at Cedric, and then revealed to me that he had a previously unmentioned ex-girlfriend who was claiming to be pregnant.  Unless the woman's name was Mary, I assume that she was impregnated by this scripture quoting gentleman.  He apparently saw no contradiction.

Another man sent me a screen shot of the Bible passage that he was reading but neglected to notice that he was also sending me his buddy list with ten other women he was currently having conversations with.  He insisted that in heaven there would be no relationships since we would all be married to Jesus, and he was just doing that here on earth by cultivating a collection of "friends."  When I told him that women were paying $50.00 a month to find a man, not a friend,  his joking response was "I'm trying to give them one," (referring to Jesus).  Since when is The Bible the Player's Handbook?

Black Jesus always needs a flock
Dating is a lost art:  I didn’t understand the importance of dates until I was in my 30’s (Thanks,  John Marshall).  Spending all day on the phone with someone creates a false sense of intimacy, and just "meeting up" at someone's house is for childless women in their 20's.  Whether a man is willing to put in the time, effort, and expense planning something is a good indication of whether or not he is serious about you.  On man suggested that I cook for him and he could eat while we walked around the block getting to know each other.  Needless to say, I never spoke to him again.

Going on a date doesn't ensure that you will end up together, but it does ensure that if you don't become a couple, you will still have some fun memories.  And sorry, Starbucks doesn’t count.   


For some, the honeymoon never ends:  As fun as dating is, if you meet online you have to accept that you can go on a perfect date with someone and never see them again.  The Internet can breed chronically unsatisfied people who are constantly on the lookout for someone better.  There are also some men who live for the honeymoon stage, just not with the same person.  The honeymoon stage is great! Why move past it if you never have to? A shiny new person is only a click away.

The closet still exists:  I’m just going to leave that there . . .Well, actually, I'm not.  I had a revelation the other day while watching the Love and Hip Hop Atlanta Reunion (it happens).  Everyone on stage was trying to "out" Nikko because he is in his 40's without kids.  Margauex made a good point (which was lost on the audience) by saying that judging (and shaming) someone's sexuality based on surface characteristics is what keeps black men on the DL and in the closet.  HOWEVER, if a man asks you "why everyone thinks that he's the cute bi-sexual guy" without prompting, you may be dealing with a "cute bi-sexual guy."  As with everything, it's important to trust your intuition.

And continue to believe in love . . .









Friday, September 11, 2015

Adventures in Dining

Consider the following scenario:

Two black women in their late twenties are having a glass of rosé over dinner at a trendy soul food restaurant on The Lower East Side.  The (slightly) more attractive one* sits in front of an earthenware bowl filled with rice and chicken.  “Excuse me,” she says using the wing in her hand to flag down the waiter, “Can I have another wing . . . a full one . . . because this one is like . . . cut off.”   DID THIS FOOL JUST ATTEMPT TO SEND BACK ONE CHICKEN WING?”


The waiter comes over eager to please, “of course.  I will get the kitchen working on another wing for you.”  The woman continues to pick at her food while telling her companion about her honeymoon in Dubai.  Then she says, “You know, I think that I’m going to exchange this for something else . . . Waiter!”

“Hi, we have the kitchen working on your chicken wing . . . sorry about that.”

“Actually, I don’t really like this.  The rice is cold.  I’d like to get something else.  May I take another look at the menu?”

“The rice is supposed to be cold, but, umm, sure.”

While the woman looks over her menu, the manager comes to the table, confounded but painfully polite and asks about the woman’s dish.

“I’m sorry.  I just didn’t like it.  I thought that it would be spicier, and the chicken just wasn’t tasty.”**

“Oh, Ok.  We’d be happy to exchange it with something else on the menu.”

The waiter comes back and asks the woman what she would like, and she says, “you know what, I don’t see anything else that I want.  I think that I’m just going to eat her side dish.”


Am I the only person who thinks that this is the height of tackiness?  Or am I being too hard on this woman?  If you order something that you don't like is it ok to send it back without feeling obligated to order something else?

Opinions please . . .


*SHADE
** I don't even like chicken, but the chicken at this place is GOOD!

Monday, September 7, 2015

When Your Self Diagnosis on WebMD Turns Out to Be Right . . .

About a month ago, I confided in a friend that I wasn't feeling well (and hadn’t been feeling well for a while).  I told him that I was worried that I hadn’t had my period and was experiencing lower back pain when I was tired or stressed.  He told me that I was being selfish by not taking care of myself and strongly suggested that I make an appointment with a doctor. 

When I visited my gynecologist, Dr. Nancy Jasper, she told me that I had fibroids and a possible hormonal issue. She took blood and sent me to have an ultrasound.  The next day Chloe insisted on coming with me to midtown “to support me" even though we were both unclear about what was going on.  As the ultrasound technician moved the probe around she silently made notations on the blurry image of my uterus and ovaries.  Unable to deal with her silence, I asked her if she could see any fibroids.  Her response was “no, I don’t see any fibroids.  Your ovaries look fine.  Your doctor will discuss the results with you.” A week later I went back to Dr. Jasper, and based on her interpretation of the results of my blood test and ultrasound, she told me that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

What is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome?
  • PCOS is a very common disorder in which there is an imbalance of hormones.
  • Women with PCOS have enlarged ovaries that contain small collections of fluid.

Photo:uofmchildrenshospital

What are the symptoms of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome?
  • Infrequent or longer than usual periods
  • Obesity/weight gain/ pot belly (due to the body's difficulty using insulin)
  • Acne
  • Depression or anxiety
  • Loss of scalp hair
  • Unwanted hair on other parts of the body

What can happen if PCOS goes untreated?
  • Infertility
  • Type 2 Diabetes
  • Increased risk of heart attack
  • Increased risk of endometrial cancer

Source: WebMD


I had ALL of the symptoms above except the acne (thank you, Neutrogena & Clean and Clear!)  When I shared my concerns with two different primary health physicians they tested me for thyroid issues, but never suggested PCOS.  Now I have to concentrate on losing weight by exercising and breaking my addiction to sugar and refined carbs (the struggle is real). I also need to take care of my hair by wearing it in protective styles that minimize the amount of heat I use on it.  However, my greatest struggle will be to manage the anxiety, partly caused by the changes to my body.   I'm thankful that I have friends who call to check up on me, suggest finding a Pilates class, and agree to meet me at my favorite restaurant when I need to get out of my own head :)


This is Not a Break-Up

I met Haji many, many years ago when Mikita decided that he was the man for her. I had never seen Mikita fight for any man the way she fought for Haji, and I'm glad that she did.  

Haji Glover is one of the best people that I know; I have never heard him say a bad word about anyone and I have never met a person who doesn't like him.  Whenever I plan a party the first question everyone asks is "Is Haji going to be there?" He leaves a lasting impression.

Haji is ambitious and dedicated to providing "his girls" with the best that life has to offer.  The greatest thing about him is that when he is not working he is fully present, and he brings joy and humor to his friends and family. Whether he is being "DJ D" at a sleepover, or sitting in the backyard talking with me and Mikita, there is no one who can make me scream with laughter like he does.   Haji is a dedicated father, husband, and friend.  He is a consistent male role model in Chloe's life, and for that we are both grateful.  As he moves to Malta, he should know that he will be missed.  But not for long because we are coming to visit!!!!!!

`




Friday, September 4, 2015

Mali at the Met

In and Out of The Studio: Photographic Portraits from West Africa is a new exhibit at The Metropolitan Museum of Art that seeks to highlight the tradition of photography in West Africa.  Beginning as early as the 1840's, elites hired photographers to take portraits as a means of both constructing and sharing their identities.
Too bad the exhibit was all the way in a back corner mezzanine of the museum, and I got more lost than usual trying to find it.  Considering the subject, I expected something grander.  What was missing here was visual representations of the historical and cultural context of the photographs.

On a positive note, I enjoyed seeing the glass negatives from the 20th century, and the photographs of the mixed race families in Saint-Louis, Senegal.  In and Out of The Studio runs until January 3rd.


Watch a video on featured photographer Malik Sidibé below: