Saturday, January 17, 2015

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Her tolerance of nonsense is at an all time low
Back in the day when I spent 10, 000 a year on Preschool,  one of the things that I disliked the most was the birthday parties.  It seemed like every weekend I was buying a gift I couldn't afford and heading to the celebration of one of her friend's birthdays on the Upper West Side.  Even though it can appear otherwise, I am an introvert.  I dislike socializing with people that I don't know (especially when there are juice boxes available instead of wine).  Furthermore, being the only single parent in the mix made me feel awkward and sorry for myself.

Anyway, this weekend when Chloe was invited to a birthday party I was relieved when her father agreed to take her.  The morning of the party I could have sworn that my sweet seven year old had morphed into a sixteen year-old drama queen.  She was stomping around the house slamming doors, messing with her freshly braided hair, and claiming that "nothing was going right today."  I had a feeling that she was afraid that her father wasn't going to show up, even though he had called to reassure her that he was on his way.

When he did arrive we were putting her coat on and she said something about being excited to go her "best friend's" party.  I responded, "that's not your best friend" (the girl had been part of a group that ganged up on Chloe earlier in the year).  She replied, "yes she is, we've known each other since Kindergarten."  I asked if the girl was always nice to her,  and then Chloe went off!!!

She turned to her father and said "well, I only see YOU once every two weeks.  You're just a number in my phone. But you're still my father!  You don't even like my mother! All you do is argue about money. You don't need money to be happy!"  She was preaching like it was Sunday while her father and I stood there with stupid grins on our faces.  She wasn't angry or sad, just very matter-of-fact.

Ridel started hugging Chloe, laughing and telling her that he and I were friends (kinda true), while I slowly made my way up the stairs before she told me more about myself.  I was proud of the way that she expressed herself so directly,  yet sad that the lesson that she is learning is that it is ok for people not to consistently treat her with kindness because of her father's inability or unwillingness to be there when she wants.  One of the things that I like the most about Chloe is that she is an extremely loving child who likes people and makes friends easily.  Everyone in the neighborhood knows her: the mail woman, the crossing guard, the man in the corner store.  She is very much like her father in that way, but unlike him, I want her to know what healthy love looks like as a child.

After the party ended, Chloe and Ridel returned home laughing and tripping up the stairs.  They were excited to share videos of Chloe skating around around like a seasoned pro and Ridel struggling to keep up holding onto the side of the rink.  When we had a moment alone, I asked Ridel what he thought about what Chloe said.  His response was "it was hot!"  Thinking that he has misunderstood the question, I asked again and he repeated, "it was hot; what she said was how she felt, and Chloe never lies.  She said that she needs more time, and I'm going to try to be there for her."  There was no defensiveness, no claims that I was over-reacting.  And because of that there is hope.


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