Declining the Pass

When I applied for the job that I currently have,  I remember asking my friend Ameer if he thought that I would get it.  "Of course you will," he replied, "You went to Princeton, and you're light-skinned." I ignored his comment as a bit of shade dressed up in "what? it's true!" finery.

Ameer,  does not endorse any of the opinions in this blog.  In fact, we pretty much disagree on everything.

The other day I went back to the Storefront and a staff member asked me how things were at my new school.  I replied that they were ok.  "Do they treat you like you're special?" she asked.  "Not really" I replied, "it's just different being the only black person in the middle school." "Yeah," she said" but imagine if you were dark-skinned."

 I have never really thought that whites saw a difference in complexion between lighter-skinned and darker-skinned blacks.  I think that this perception is based on a single event that happened in 7th or 8th grade.  One day, Kristina Kennedy and I were standing on the lunch line and someone asked us if we were twins.  Kristina and I both have almond shaped eyes, broad noses, and full lips- but we are two different totally different skin colors. My middle-school self figured that if this woman could not see the obvious difference between us, then white people clearly didn't see the gradations of brownness between black people.

Twinning!

However, I was wrong and I have discovered what I should have known all along.  White people see what they want to see.

I have been told several times by my students that I'm "tan" or "just a little bit black."  Last week, I was teaching Zora Neale Hurston's essay "How it Feels to be Colored Me."  All students in grades 6-11 have to write a personal narrative each year and I used this as an example of good narrative writing.

"I do not weep at the world; I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife."

A third of the way through the essay one of my students began that complaining that "all we talk about is race", and "all we ever do is read things by black people".  This was also a common outcry at The Storefront so I do not take such complaints personally.  Students of all colors see blacks playing basketball, rapping, or dancing every time they turn on the television or log onto their computers-but try to teach something written by a black person other than Langston Hughes and it is all too much!

Obviously I relate to one of the characters in this metaphor project.

Anyway, I pulled out a list of everything that I taught this year (written up in anticipation of such a moment):  Greek Myths, Shakespeare, Jackson, Tan, Hughes, Seslar, O'Flaherty, Poe, Vonnegut, Le Guin, Dahl, Connell- definitely not an Afrocentric curriculum.  The calmer I got, the angrier she became.  One of the other 6th graders, either seeking to end the conflict or stand up for me, blurted out "but Ms. Cardwell is hardly even black.  Look at her.  She's like my complexion."

Ancestry.com disagrees! But that is a topic for a different post!

I have come to the conclusion that skin color does matter.  That if you are light-skinned or ambiguously ethnic looking some whites are willing to give you a "pass" if they like you.  They will agree to ignore your race if you agree not to bring it up.  I recognize that my life would be oh so much easier if I could agree to the second part of the bargain.

 If I was just a silent example of a happy productive person of color for my students, and a token of diversity for the administration things would be different. If I could dismiss ignorant comments about poor people, blacks, and immigrants as "kids just being kids," I could really fit in here.  But as Ralph Ellison says in Invisible Man, "It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: That I am nobody but myself. "  I could not be here and not talk about race or teach works by people of color and not be bored out of my mind.

Ralph Ellison is right behind me

And that brings me to Zendaya Coleman.  Chloe is her biggest fan; she made a name for herself playing ethnically ambiguous roles on on the Disney channel such as Rocky on "Shake it Up."  She too had been given a "pass;" white people had agreed that she was "tan" and left it at that.

Zendayah and her Daddy

But she wouldn't leave well enough alone.  She appeared on LA Hair with her black (dreadlocked) daddy getting her weave done.  She wanted to play Aaliyah.  She's currently playing Kadeem Hardison's daughter on K.C. Undercover.

And  then she went and put her blackness on front street by wearing dreadlocks to the Oscars of all places!  And for refusing to passively pass she was told that she looked like she stunk on national television.  I guess that sometimes people get mad when they invite you to a party and you show up and have fun, but refuse to join their club.

The Year of the Conceited Black Girl!

Jahmeelah Nash-Fuller is one of my favorite students of all time.  Over the years that I have known her she has challenged me, driven me into fits of laughter, and consistently made me proud.  One of my earliest memories of Jahmeelah is of her organizing an America's Next Top Model competition in the park during Summer School. She was only in 5th grade but she exhibited the confidence and style of a much older child.

Circa 2006/07

One of the things that I admired about her was her quick wit and her extremely high-self esteem.  Jahmeelah was so sure of herself that I began to wonder if it was a front for some hidden insecurity.  My cynical self questioned whether any middle-school student could adore themselves that much!

One day I  decided to put her to the test.  I had all of the students in my advisory write a list of 100 things that they liked about themselves.  Most students struggled to get past number ten, yet when I looked over at Jahmeelah she was casually listing characteristic after characteristic.  Not only did she have a lot to say, but she seemed to be enjoying the task!

That convinced me that Jahmeelah was the real thing, so when she named herself "Queen Peaches," that's what I called her (much to the chagrin of her classmates).  When she told me that she thought  that The Bluest Eye presented a negative vision of dark-skinned black people, I listened and added Zora Neale Hurston's essay "How it Feels to be Colored Me" to the curriculum.  When one of her classmates insulted her and she hopped up on a table like a character from Paris is Burning and said "look at these thighs" I laughed until I cried rather than giving her a detention.

Two Queens (Not really sure why she's holding that glass of water like it's wine, though)

During Parent Teacher conferences, I had the chance to ask her mother how she instilled self-esteem in her daughter, especially in a world that does not value aggressively outspoken black girls.  Ms. Nash looked at me and said "every night I pray it into her existence.  I pray it into her spirit."  I admit that at the time, I did not really understand what she was talking about.  I'm not religious so I assumed that her advice was not something that was particularly relevant to me.

That was until one day a few weeks ago.  Chloe and I were at Nicole's house celebrating Morgan's birthday.  We were all sitting on the floor watching television when I heard Mrs. Farrow talking to Morgan.  "Do you know how much I love you?  Do you know how smart you are?  You are so beautiful.  Do you know that?"  It was like a mantra, repeated slowly like a prayer.  One that Morgan had clearly heard before.   One that Chloe will hear every day.

Morgan being fabulous!

So, I am joining ranks with those who have declared that 2015 is "The Year of the Conceited Black Girl."

Photo: Tumblr

There is nothing wrong with being conceited; feeling superior to those who don't acknowledge your light or seek to dim it is ok.   Having an "excessively favorable opinion of one's own abilities or appearance" is not vanity; it's survival.  

Happy Birthday Zora!

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember, and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly."-Their Eyes Were Watching God

*

"The theory behind our tactics: "The white man is always trying to know into somebody else's business. All right, I'll set something outside the door of my mind for him to play with and handle. He can read my writing but he sho' can't read my mind. I'll put this play toy in his hand, and he will seize it and go away. Then I'll say my say and sing my song."-Mules and Men

*

“I have a strong suspicion, but I can’t be sure, that much that passes for constant love is a golded-up moment walking in its sleep. Some people know that it is the walk of the dead, but in desperation and desolation, they have staked everything on life after death and the resurrection, so they haunt the graveyard. They build an altar on the tomb and wait there like faithful Mary for the stone to roll away. So the moment has authority over all of their lives. They pray constantly for the miracle of the moment to burst its bonds and spread out over time”- Dust Tracks on a Road

*

"I AM COLORED but I offer nothing in the way of extenuating circumstances except the fact that I am the only Negro in the United States whose grandfather on the mother's side was not an Indian chief."
To read the rest of this amazing essay click here

How to Stop Haunting the Graveyard

In Toni Morrison's novel, Jazz, Joe Trace says the following to his lover Dorcas: "don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you.  I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."  This is one of my favorite Morrison quotes; I find the idea of being transformed and made better by love romantic and inspiring.

Unfortunately,  this is not that story.  A few years ago I tripped over common sense and fell in love. I fell HARD; I was the old lady at the foot of the stairs whimpering "I've fallen and I can't get up."  Things started off on a promising note, but within a few months I was demoted, I quit, and then I begged for my job back.  We repeated this cycle over and over for more than two years.  The relationship finally ended in the most dramatic, Tyler Perryesque way imaginable (think: motorcycle accident, ER, and somebody getting slapped upside the head in a hospital gown).  When the dust settled I was in pain like I had never experienced before.  It was so bad that when I woke up in the morning my first thought was getting through the day so that I could return to the oblivion of sleep.

Heartbreak is emotional pain; it is "in your head," but can be so intense that it feels physical.  It is an icy sting that begins in the brain, shoots to your stomach, and ends in a dull throb in your chest that keeps you off balance.  In my experience, heartbreak was worse than giving birth.  When I was in labor I was aware of the purpose of my agony, and I anticipated the gift that I would receive at the end of it.  Unfortunately, heartbreak gives no gifts, and although the hurt diminishes in intensity, it never completely ends.  Although pain in life in inevitable, many times it can be avoided.  Here's how not to be a fool:

1. Trust Your Intuition:  My co-workers used to call me The Oracle because of my uncanny ability to predict the outcome of school politics months ahead of time.  I hate to admit it, but I have no supernatural powers.  I believe that we all have the ability to read body language and hear what is being said underneath the surface of words.  Unfortunately, in matters of the heart we often ignore what we know to be true because of what we want to be true. Stop lying to yourself.

2. Stop Thinking That You Are An Exception: Listening is key.  If a person describes all of the people in his/her past as "crazy" what do you think that he will be saying about you in the end?  Don't be flattered by compliments that come at the expense of others.

3. Protect Your Magic: Avoid people who think that it is their place to tell you about yourself.  Oftentimes what people say about you is a reflection of how they are feeling about themselves at the moment.  Leave anyone who is not kind to you alone.  Period.

4. Accept That Behavior is Communication: I remember hearing this phrase at a professional development workshop about working with children with discipline issues and it was a revelation in terms my personal life.  Often we complain about dating others with "bad communication skills."  We justify being disappointed (again) by blaming "a breakdown in communication."  We wish that he/she would "communicate more."  This is bullshit; although the man or woman in question may not be the type to engage in deep discussions about how they are feeling; their behavior will tell you everything that you need to know.  If they don't text you back in a reasonable amount of time, or make an effort to see you consistently, they are communicating that you are not a priority.  As my friend Jackie says, "there are no such things as 'mixed signals,'" when someone wants you in their life they make it happen.  If you have to decode and analyze conversations, text messages, and emails with your friends looking for affirmation you are wasting your time.  An inconsistent person may not want to be alone.  That does not mean that he/she wants to be in a relationship with you.  Learn the difference and act accordingly.

5.  Don't Let Anyone Walk off With All of Your Stuff:  In For Colored Girls, the lady in green says, "somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff and didn't care enough to send a note home saying I was late for my solo conversation."  People were walking away with my stuff because I was giving it away!  In the midst of my heartbreak I was lucky to have friends who were around to make me laugh and give me meaningful advice.  One such person was  Colin, who told me that I needed to "stop giving." Although these directions were genius in their simplicity, I also needed to think about when my generosity was a dressed up form of manipulation. If  I was giving because I expected something is return, and then turning around feeling used when I didn't get it, I had no one to blame but myself.  I came to this conclusion after watching an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  I guess that Chloe was right: you can learn important stuff by watching television.

6. Recognize When It's Over:  In  his collection of short stories, This is How You Lose Her,  Junot Diaz writes "And that's when I know it's over.  As soon as you starting thinking about the beginning, it's the end."  When you are remaining in contact with someone in the hopes of reclaiming a past feeling you are dealing with an addiction, not a relationship. Zora Neale Hurston says,

I have a strong suspicion, but I can't be sure, that much that passes for constant love is a gilded-up moment walking in it's sleep. Some people know that it is the walk of the dead, but in desperation and desolation, they have staked everything on life after death and the resurrection, so they haunt the graveyard.  They build an altar on the tomb and wait there like faithful Mary for the stone to roll away.  So the moment has authority over their lives.

Unless your initials are J.C. you don't have to power to resurrect what is dead.  In fact, by the time that Joe Trace made his noble pronouncements about love he had already shot his lover because he couldn't accept that the relationship was over.  I remember Jackie and I having a conversation about delaying ending relationships because of the fear of the pain that we knew was coming.  Unfortunately, there's no shortcut through pain.  The more you delay it; the more it will hurt.

7.  Forgive Yourself: I remember telling Colin about the latest episode in the drama of my relationship with whatshisname.  He cut me off and said "I'm really sorry that happened to you.  What he did was fucked up.  But what you did to yourself was worse." Damnnnnn!! The truth hurts.  Recognize that your role in the drama, analyze why you allowed what you allowed, make an attempt to heal the wound, and forgive yourself.

Book Club for the Broken Hearted:

Jazz, by Toni Morrison

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf, by Ntozake Shange

This is How You Lose Her, by Junot Diaz

Dust Tracks on a Road, by Zora Neale Hurston